Scream-of-Consciousness

A Pregnant Woman's Manifesto, Part 1

With only eleven (out of forty) weeks left to go before my son's due date, and beginning to look disconcertingly like Taweret, the Egyptian Hippo goddess, I've decided that pregnancy is for the birds.
Don't get me wrong--I couldn't be happier about the baby himself--it's the way people treat you when you're pregnant that really pisses me off.
If the maxim that "Hell is other people" is true, it is doubly so when you are pregnant.
And so, for the enlightenment of all, and for the hopeful purpose of enabling society to see the error of its ways, I hereby offer A Pregnant Woman's Manifesto. Part 1.
1. A pregnant woman is not made out of bisque porcelain. She will not shatter into pieces if she attempts to vaccuum the floor or carry a small briefcase. Therefore, the phrase "Should you be doing that?" must never be used unless you want a fat lip.
2. Likewise, a pregnant woman is not a retarded monkey. She is quite capable of accomplishing complex tasks such as making a cup of tea, changing a lightbulb or driving a car all by herself. Therefore, the phrase "Take it easy" must not be used.
3. A pregnant woman does not want to hear your asinine horror stories about how traumatic your own/your wife's/your mother's/your next-door neighbor's dog's birth experience was, how everything went wrong and how a team of four astronauts had to use the jaws of life to get the baby out, etc. You can bloody well keep it to yourself.
4. A pregnant woman must not be referred to as "Mommy" by her co-workers, the check-out girl at the supermarket, or anyone else. That name is reserved for exclusive use by her child, who is as yet unable to speak.
5. Do not attempt to touch, pat, rub, or tickle a pregnant woman's belly without first obtaining her permission unless you really, REALLY want to experience just how hard she can punch now that she has (a) an extra 25-35 pounds of weight on her, (b) a much better understanding of where her center is, and (c) a whole lot of pent-up frustration and hostility.
5a. Obtaining permission does NOT mean saying, "Oh, can I..." and then going right ahead without waiting for an answer.
5b. Permission is unlikely to be granted unless your relationship with said pregnant woman is such that you have, from time to time, offered her a spontaneous hug, shoulder rub, or similar. If you, under normal circumstances, would not touch her in this way, it is inappropriate for you to touch her belly now.
5c. You have no right whatsoever to be offended when you are told to keep your hands off. Would you like it if I started fondling *your* belly? How about your ass?
6. Do not overload a pregnant woman with gifts of cakes, cookies, pastries, and other fattening treats with no nutritional content on the grounds that "you're eating for two" or "I thought you might like this". Especially if you're only doing it because you're worried about your own weight and don't want to have to wrestle with temptation yourself. Said pregnant woman is most likely doing her best to maintain a healthy pregnancy weight gain and does not appreciate being overloaded with things that will only make it more difficult to take the weight off later. Rest assured, she is quite capable of seeking out whatever figure-annihilating delights she craves without any outside assistance.
7. A pregnant woman still has a personality and an identity. She still has interests and hobbies completely extracurricular to her pregnancy. Therefore, one must not begin conversations with "So how are you feeling?", "How's the baby doing?", or other such quasi-sympathetic drivel. Ask her if she's seen any good movies lately, what book she is reading, or who she thinks will win the World Series this year. Endeavor to show interest in her as a person.
8. A pregnant woman does not want to hear about how tired or stressed you are unless you are pregnant as well. If you're not, shut up, because you have no clue.
9. While she understands that you are well-meaning and only trying to make her feel better, a pregnant woman does not want to hear compliments about what nice hair and skin she has, how good she looks, or how she "just has this glow". The glow is most likely sweat, she knows *exactly* how she looks (i.e., like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man), and the hair and skin comments make you sound like the Big Bad Wolf.
10. A foot rub would be nice.

posted by lisamarlene @ 8:07 AM